Welcome to Week 1! Prepare to get stomped.

While Kevin prepares to get smacked around like a bitch this season (see Figure A), I'd like to congratulate everyone for sharing some fantastic porn on draft day. Well done, gentlemen.

(Figure A: In this video, Kevin is represented by the green haired woman. This week, Captain Kirk represents Will. Will, please stop kissing Kevin.)

In another highly anticipated matchup this week, Chris "Who the fuck is Chris Neal" Neal takes on The Moose. Figure B illustrates one of the horrible creatures that will haunt the dreams of the Oxford Landfill on Tuesday.

(Figure B: Dream haunter, badass, samurai)

In a surprise move, ESPN has picked Chad, who didn't even sign into the draft, to beat Greg. Yeah, I guess his draft was that bad. Greg, I hope that these crazy moves by William Cleary will cheer you up a bit.

(Figure C: Treasury Secretary William Cleary)

Next up, little Matt takes on the Star of David. Given Mike's history, I expect he'll get off to a strong start, but finish the weekend with a disappointing loss. I'm preparing pack of German Shepherds to go on a bone-finding mission early next week.

(Figure D: Mike on Sunday afternoon. You have no idea how much Ironman footage I watched to find this.)

In "who cares?" category, we have the battle of the Matts. One wins, one loses, both cry when they lose in the first round of the playoffs.

(Figure E: I'm going to watch this instead of paying attention to the Matt vs. Matt matchup.)

Finally, Hodel vs. Garvey. All I have to say is, I found the guy who gave Hodel AIDS. Garvey, make sure he wears a rubber before he fucks you.

(Figure F: The best Wheel of Fortune contestent ever, and the guy who gave Hodel AIDS.)